Here is something that genuinely changed how I think about human connection: we can regulate each other's nervous systems. Not metaphorically. Actually, physiologically. Just being near someone who is grounded and calm can begin to settle something in your own body — enough that you can start to process, to think, to feel safe again.
When I first came across this idea, everything clicked into place. It explains why a good therapist can help you access things you cannot access alone. It explains why certain friendships feel genuinely restorative. It explains why loneliness is not just emotionally painful but physically dysregulating. Our nervous systems are in constant, quiet conversation with the people around us.
But to understand any of that, you need to understand the three states. So let's start there.
The nervous system is always doing something
Most of us were taught that the nervous system has two modes — fight-or-flight and rest-and-digest. But in the 1990s, a neuroscientist named Stephen Porges developed something called Polyvagal Theory, which added a crucial third state to the picture. His research changed how many therapists understand trauma, anxiety, and healing.
The basic idea is this: your nervous system is always scanning your environment — both inside and outside your body — and making a rapid, automatic assessment of safety. It is not doing this consciously. You do not decide to enter any of these states. They happen to you, based on what your nervous system perceives, before your thinking mind even catches up.
There are three states it can move into.
State one
Safe and social
This is your baseline — the state your nervous system is designed to live in when it feels genuinely safe. You feel present, connected, and at ease in your body. Your thinking is clear. You can be curious, playful, vulnerable. Relationships feel good.
State two
Fight or flight
Your system has detected a threat — real or perceived — and mobilised energy to help you deal with it. This is not a malfunction. It is your body doing exactly what it was designed to do. The problem is that in modern life, this response can get triggered by things that are not actually dangerous — a difficult conversation, a crowded room, an email from your boss.
State three
Freeze and shutdown
When the threat feels overwhelming and neither fighting nor fleeing seems possible, the nervous system collapses inward. This is an ancient survival response — think of an animal playing dead. It is not weakness. It is the most primitive form of protection your body knows.
The thing nobody told you
Here is what I wish more people knew: you cannot think your way out of a nervous system state.
I mean that literally. When your nervous system is in fight-or-flight or freeze, the parts of your brain responsible for rational thinking, perspective-taking, and emotional regulation are actually less online. Logic comes second. This is why telling someone who is anxious to "just calm down" is so unhelpful — their nervous system is not listening to reason right now. It is listening to the body.
This is also why so many people find that traditional talk therapy, while genuinely useful, sometimes hits a ceiling. If the body is still holding the threat, the conversation can only go so far. It is why somatic approaches — therapy that works directly with the body and the nervous system — can reach places that words alone cannot.
Back to co-regulation
Which brings me back to where I started. One of the most remarkable things about the human nervous system is that it is designed to be regulated in relationship — not just independently.
When you are near someone who is genuinely calm and present — not performing calm, but actually in their own safe-and-social state — your nervous system picks up on that. Through subtle cues: the tone of their voice, the rhythm of their breathing, the steadiness of their gaze. Your body begins to take it in as information. Safety is possible. You can come down.
This is called co-regulation, and it is one of the reasons the therapeutic relationship is not just a nice backdrop to the "real work" of therapy. It is the mechanism through which a lot of the healing actually happens. A therapist who is genuinely regulated — who has done their own work, who can sit with difficult material without getting dysregulated themselves — offers something that cannot be replicated by a worksheet or a technique.
It also explains why your relationships outside therapy matter so much for your healing. Who you spend time with, how safe you feel in your closest connections, whether you have people in your life who can co-regulate with you — these are not peripheral concerns. They are central to your nervous system's ability to heal.
What this means for you
If you take one thing from this: notice your states. Start to get curious about what state your nervous system is in throughout the day — not to judge it, but to understand it. The irritability before a hard conversation. The flatness after a draining week. The ease you feel around certain people and the tension you feel around others. Your body is always communicating. Learning its language is one of the most useful things you can do.
And if you find yourself in fight-or-flight or freeze more often than you would like — know that states are moveable. With the right support, regulation becomes possible. Not through willpower or positive thinking, but through slow, patient work with the body, the breath, and the relationships that feel safe.
That is what healing actually looks like. Not fixing yourself. Coming back to yourself.
Hilary McKee is an emerging psychotherapist completing her MA in Counselling Psychology at Yorkville University, and the Co-Founder and CEO of P.A.T.H. Therapy. She writes about therapy, the nervous system, and the work of healing. Her practice opens in Vancouver in January 2027, offering in-person and virtual sessions across British Columbia and Canada.